In my work, I recently came across a number of cases where clients were sharing their experiences. Here is what one client said:
“My manager intimidates me again and again. Even though everything works as agreed, he really wants to make sure that I follow his rules. In these conversations, he is threatening me—if I don’t do this, something bad happens. He is appealing to authorities, bringing in the CEO and himself as if he wants to hammer something deeper into my brain. Today, I got angry and confronted him with my anger, asking why he was threatening and intimidating me and using fear as a recipe. He couldn’t handle my honest anger at all, got cold, and tried to smile it away with one of those fake smiles where you know the person is putting up a false mask, saying 'I only do it for you, to support you, you know.'”
I believe this is a widespread challenge in today’s leadership teams. Focusing on the manager, what we see might be a pattern driven by a survival strategy. Intimidating others can be a defensive strategy designed to create a sense of control, particularly if someone has experienced situations in their developmental years where they felt powerless. Now, they adopt the dominating role, more or less openly. It might be hidden from the public but peak out every now and then, like in the discussion above. They might unconsciously attempt to avoid re-experiencing vulnerability.
These individuals may have become disconnected from parts of their emotions, such as fear or sadness, which they unconsciously replaced with aggressive or controlling behaviors to shield themselves from vulnerability. Intimidation can also protect one from experiencing deep-seated shame or fear of being seen as inadequate if the addressee behaves differently, and it falls back on them. This can stem from early attachment disruptions where needs were not adequately valued, and controlling others becomes a way of avoiding the deep discomfort associated with their own vulnerability.
When leaders reject authentic anger from others, they also reject part of emotional intimacy with someone. Receiving authentic anger might evoke unconscious memories of relational disconnection or abandonment. In this way, authentic anger from others represents a direct emotional confrontation, which may overwhelm their defenses, as it reminds them of early relational failures. If this anger reaches them, they might experience strong somatic or emotional reactions. So, the business mask tries to prevent deep feelings like shame, rejection, or fear of retaliation. Back then, they might have been unable to process these feelings safely.
It’s important to realize: authentic anger represents not only conflict but also emotional honesty. People disconnected from their own emotions may lack the capacity to engage with others authentically, or only within a limited bandwidth. They might receive anger as threatening because it demands a level of emotional engagement that they have not yet developed. This is often tied to developmental dysregulation in managing emotions, especially anger, which is often tied to unexpressed needs for safety and connection.
Looking even deeper behind the curtain, there is often a fragmentation between what we call the authentic Self and the survival strategies developed to cope with what happened in childhood. Individuals cannot handle anger as they are fragmented, meaning they see others as threats rather than connected beings who are simply angry. In this case, authentic anger becomes destabilizing because it challenges their fragile sense of control and safety in relational spaces.
The bad news is: as human beings and not superheroes, we are all on a spectrum and only able to handle anger and confrontation to a certain degree. Managers often try to control and intimidate to make up for this lack, some more than others.
The good news is that working towards healing is possible. Here are a few ways to address these challenges through coaching and therapy using a state-of-the-art modality called NARM:
Awareness: Through coaching or therapy, we support individuals to become aware of their controlling or intimidating behaviors linked to unmet developmental needs and how these behaviors keep them disconnected from their true Self.
Greater Capacity: With the awareness of these patterns comes the development of a greater capacity to engage authentically with emotions, including anger, without being overwhelmed by fear or shame.
Relational Connection: In this work, great importance is placed on supporting individuals to reconnect with their authentic Self and experience a deeper relational connection with others. There is less and less need to disconnect, and an increasing ability to tolerate vulnerability and respond to emotions such as anger with curiosity and engagement rather than defensiveness or avoidance.
Regulation: The underlying work involves helping individuals regulate their nervous systems better and work through feelings of shame that arise in the context of emotional interactions. With support, they learn how to receive authentic anger as a form of connection rather than a threat.
And as always, it’s a path, and Rome wasn’t built in a day ☺. In case you are interested, leave a comment or PM me. I am curious how you experience the business world around you.
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